Life at Both Poles and Random Places Inbetween

Lying awake in bed. 00:30 – Yes, that’s in the morning…

Epillim diet – 2 x 200mg enteric coated SodiumValproate 3 times a day. I’m disciplined – as far as this is concerned – so wake up at 7. Yum. Pills & yoghurt or banana. Cup of Green Tea. Need the food! 3pm, alarm reminds me. So does my body, from about 2pm as the morning fix metabolises Last pair of the day at 9:30. Another alarm.

Sounds good in theory. But the morning pill makes me sleep. Woe betide me if I shut my eyes – chemical sleep until at least 10:30. How the hell do I try & work? I need at least two ‘real’ coffees just to offset the pills!?! I try & limit myself to 3 caffeine fixes a day, so another one about lunchtime.

If I’m working, I’m gaga in the arvo. From 2:30 onwards. Slurred speech, lose train of thought, incomplete sentences, head full of cotton wool Sooo tired by 5pm – just wanna sleep…

If I’m not at home, it’s often a sleep until 9ish, have pills & quick dinner, then sleep. Or at least bed. If I am at home, it’s activities such as cook & feed my kids. Then pills, then bed. Can’t work, do accounts or much else though… Eyes tired, back tired…

Bed. I mentioned that ay. Often wake up. Why? My back is the issue, I think. Struggle through the day, cope with evening, but mainly sitting or standing. So a lie down is a relief. You’d think injuries from 25 years ago would go away, but no… Anyway, muscles relax, brain wakes up. Sometimes hypomania (look it up) & racing thoughts, but often blank. Just awake…

If I’ve managed to get out – walk the puppy, find a geocache, visit a lodge, visit friends, then not so bad. I think the key is activity. Any activity. Human contact, no matter how I might shy away from it sometimes, is also essential. Coping with the daily drug onslaught is easier if others around, rather than at home. Alone. But, being a good BiPolar, sometimes a day, or a week, just goes. Somewhere.

Anyway, driving is a concentrated effort sometimes. Thinking, most times. Incan easily see why those with Bipolar Type I, or Biploar Type II, stop their drugs. Don’t though – it’s a bitch being around you! Ha Ha. Not. And for those (lucky?) ones with milder cases? Well, define milder? Hate the meds! Hated more though: the spending, the verbal violence, the deep & black rages, the starting & never finishing projects (mind you, that hasn’t changed much, but at least I’m aware of it ), the never knowing when a ‘switch’ from high to low would occur, etc, etc.. So stay on the drugs babe!

Dopress 25mg per day- My Psych, a very important man in my life, whom I see every month to 6 weeks, consulted with a specialist in the UK. A specialist in people like me. The Dopress, in teency weency doses, reduces pain (yay), assists sleep (yay) and can make you hypo (not so yay). Pretty much banned in large doses & I’d refuse it anyway. Horrible Shite, from what I’ve researched. (Don’t believe the NZ Government web site information. Look overseas.) But it can induce a mild state of hypomania (good from my point of view, but not necessarily societies ) So I benefit from that. It’s supposed to ‘peak’ after about 40 minutes so I usually have it about an hour before my 9:30pm Epillim. Should help me sleep. It does that alright, but as I said before, my back affects that also, keeping me awake. But when I sleep, I do so properly. Deeply. Great colour dreams too

Sex is great – the post coital zzz is many hours long! Just have to time it right, which can mean delaying & combining the pills. Wicked headaches if have both together though And can / does reduce desire (wanna sleep…) & can slow down or prevent orgasm. Which depending on the partner, is not always a bad thing

Now I am tired! – that took an hour, so now let’s have 5 1/2 hours sleep. Not enough. It’s a bugger, being in a cycle when sleep patterns out of whack. Have to go out this coming evening, and work, prepare food & learn some stuff during the day. And see my back specialist. That at least will be a relief. So to speak

Seriously though, sleep, activity and company are the best weapons in the constant struggle against BP. And medication, if you and your psych agree. Did your Doctor diagnose you? Get a second opinion. Being polite, it ain’t their area of expertise! Goodnight!

Life is a Shite! Others may say that ‘Life is a Pain’ but I mix the metaphors…

My back has a compression fracture, a prolapsed disc, a dislocated vertebrate, muscle and nerve damage. Unfortunately, this affects bowel & urinary functions. Yes, when I have to go, I have to go

I can tell, ’cause I start squirming… A wee pause for station identification is required! Urgently

Or I’m in massive amount of pain. Daily. I can’t remember the last time I felt a ‘normal’ urge to go to the loo… It’s either a ‘void’ or a slow painful experience. Or both. Sometimes none for days. Then several days worth over the space of an hour or so. Did I mention the pain?

Luckily I have an iPhone. And associated games. So at least I can entertain myself while waiting for Godot.

Which came first? The chicken or the egg? The bishop or the actress? The pain or the bipolar low? There is a direct relationship between the latter two sometimes. I imagine that there is a ‘bell curve’ for each and that mostly they overlap. Not always though, and does a low cause the pain? Or vice versa?

Pre diagnosis, when the curves went on for weeks at a time, I was always in both magnified pain & a low together. Or in a high with mild stress from doing to much & some physical pain. Now, with medication, the curves are shorter, lower & – usually – less steep.

Normally, if I’m feeling OK, pain thresholds are higher. Or pain is less noticeable. If I’m low, pain is magnified.

This is all well and good, but… Life is stil a shite. It ‘always’ hurts! Nothing to do with BiPolar. Just a f’d up internal system.

Did you know that the term ‘SNAFU’ means ‘Situation Normal, All Fucked Up’? Look it up… I should have it as a number plate… If you see me coming, lock up your loos!?!

What is it with NZ drivers?
Things that bug me…
1. Driving at 70-80 km/hr in a 100 km/hr (open road) area.
2. Driving at 70-80 km/hr in a 50 km/hr (urban) area. Usually immediately after trangression #1.
3. Speeding up on passing lanes? Why dipshit? I’m only going to overtake you anyway… And what’s more, I won’t slow down again to below 100km afterwards as you will… Nup, I have cruise control and ain’t afraid to use it!
4. Speeding on the straights & crawling as soon as anything that remotely appears to be a bend comes up. And what’s with the braking through the bends? Flash! Flash! Is the handbrake beside you telling you that their fat arse is sliding sideways? Or likely to? And why speed anyway? Does the maximum speed reflect the desired size of your dick? Apologies to those woman drivers who don’t have dicks. So what is your point then? Trying to prove you can kill yourself – and others – better than a man can?

Just keep the f@k out of my way… BP or not, I value my life & those of my passengers… Rock on Road Rage against the f’wits out there!

I was diagnosed with Rapid Cycling Bipolar Affective Disorder (Type II) several years ago. This blog is a long overdue project for me to record my own ups and downs, hopefully provide inspiration to others, and note my own quirky views on life, the universe and everything…