Life at Both Poles and Random Places Inbetween

Lying awake in bed. 00:30 – Yes, that’s in the morning…

Epillim diet – 2 x 200mg enteric coated SodiumValproate 3 times a day. I’m disciplined – as far as this is concerned – so wake up at 7. Yum. Pills & yoghurt or banana. Cup of Green Tea. Need the food! 3pm, alarm reminds me. So does my body, from about 2pm as the morning fix metabolises Last pair of the day at 9:30. Another alarm.

Sounds good in theory. But the morning pill makes me sleep. Woe betide me if I shut my eyes – chemical sleep until at least 10:30. How the hell do I try & work? I need at least two ‘real’ coffees just to offset the pills!?! I try & limit myself to 3 caffeine fixes a day, so another one about lunchtime.

If I’m working, I’m gaga in the arvo. From 2:30 onwards. Slurred speech, lose train of thought, incomplete sentences, head full of cotton wool Sooo tired by 5pm – just wanna sleep…

If I’m not at home, it’s often a sleep until 9ish, have pills & quick dinner, then sleep. Or at least bed. If I am at home, it’s activities such as cook & feed my kids. Then pills, then bed. Can’t work, do accounts or much else though… Eyes tired, back tired…

Bed. I mentioned that ay. Often wake up. Why? My back is the issue, I think. Struggle through the day, cope with evening, but mainly sitting or standing. So a lie down is a relief. You’d think injuries from 25 years ago would go away, but no… Anyway, muscles relax, brain wakes up. Sometimes hypomania (look it up) & racing thoughts, but often blank. Just awake…

If I’ve managed to get out – walk the puppy, find a geocache, visit a lodge, visit friends, then not so bad. I think the key is activity. Any activity. Human contact, no matter how I might shy away from it sometimes, is also essential. Coping with the daily drug onslaught is easier if others around, rather than at home. Alone. But, being a good BiPolar, sometimes a day, or a week, just goes. Somewhere.

Anyway, driving is a concentrated effort sometimes. Thinking, most times. Incan easily see why those with Bipolar Type I, or Biploar Type II, stop their drugs. Don’t though – it’s a bitch being around you! Ha Ha. Not. And for those (lucky?) ones with milder cases? Well, define milder? Hate the meds! Hated more though: the spending, the verbal violence, the deep & black rages, the starting & never finishing projects (mind you, that hasn’t changed much, but at least I’m aware of it ), the never knowing when a ‘switch’ from high to low would occur, etc, etc.. So stay on the drugs babe!

Dopress 25mg per day- My Psych, a very important man in my life, whom I see every month to 6 weeks, consulted with a specialist in the UK. A specialist in people like me. The Dopress, in teency weency doses, reduces pain (yay), assists sleep (yay) and can make you hypo (not so yay). Pretty much banned in large doses & I’d refuse it anyway. Horrible Shite, from what I’ve researched. (Don’t believe the NZ Government web site information. Look overseas.) But it can induce a mild state of hypomania (good from my point of view, but not necessarily societies ) So I benefit from that. It’s supposed to ‘peak’ after about 40 minutes so I usually have it about an hour before my 9:30pm Epillim. Should help me sleep. It does that alright, but as I said before, my back affects that also, keeping me awake. But when I sleep, I do so properly. Deeply. Great colour dreams too

Sex is great – the post coital zzz is many hours long! Just have to time it right, which can mean delaying & combining the pills. Wicked headaches if have both together though And can / does reduce desire (wanna sleep…) & can slow down or prevent orgasm. Which depending on the partner, is not always a bad thing

Now I am tired! – that took an hour, so now let’s have 5 1/2 hours sleep. Not enough. It’s a bugger, being in a cycle when sleep patterns out of whack. Have to go out this coming evening, and work, prepare food & learn some stuff during the day. And see my back specialist. That at least will be a relief. So to speak

Seriously though, sleep, activity and company are the best weapons in the constant struggle against BP. And medication, if you and your psych agree. Did your Doctor diagnose you? Get a second opinion. Being polite, it ain’t their area of expertise! Goodnight!